Demons

We all have them. The question is, how much mental strength does one need to fight them and win?

This year has been filled with nothing but negative, dark, morbid, unpleasant events. Most of them, I’ve had not one bit of control over. I may have entered 2018 with a positive outlook, but as the months began to pass I began to develop a sour, hateful, and bitter attitude toward and against those around me.

Lately I’ve been surrounded by friends who struggle with depression. I’ve had my own personal experiences with this particular demon, but that was 9 years ago, and now I am in a much more healthy state-of-mind. I am not ashamed to admit that I used to self-harm, self-medicate, and self-loathe. Hell, I despised myself and the path that I put myself on. The floor wasn’t even beneath me, I was beneath it. Do you hear that? Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

I didn’t and still don’t know how I pulled myself out of that hole of emptiness, rage, and destructive behaviors. I wanted out, but I was too chicken shit to really do anything about it. Recent events have me reflecting on how I healed my emotional wounds and I hope I can relay it in a way that speaks to others so that they can help themselves.

Through humor, laughter, and finding the positive in every single negative, over time, I have healed myself. With the cards I have been dealt, especially with my brothers, it’s true what they say. Things could always be worse.

To make my point, your mental health matters, but so does the mental health of others. Share a smile, be kind, talk yourself through the negative thoughts. Positive thinking does help, but only with persistence. It’s ok to think, “me, me, me, me, me,” as long as it bestows sunlight on your soul without disregarding the feelings of those around you.

Never be afraid to end relationships that no longer serve you and embrace the ones with whom you can have a deep conversation. Look for the meaning behind the words they speak. Also, never be afraid to ask for help on your journey to achieving true happiness.

You deserve it.

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D-a-n-a

I am a loaded gun who is passionate as hell. It shows in my ambition, determination, the way I speak, and anything that I deeply, truly, and honestly, care about. I’m a person who is bitter, slightly enraged on a daily basis, with the mouth of a vulgar pirate. Though I despise the human race, I always look for the good in a person and the positive traits they possess. Once I find them, I’ll try to bring them out of you to make you aware of them.

On the other hand, I am no force to be reckoned with. Flip the switch in the heart and I am vicious, vindictive, and mean, with a sharp tongue. I spit daggers. This means I have left my fucks to give at home, and I am on vacation. When I am done, I am done, and I will not make an effort to salvage the fucks I once gave.

I can also handle the cards that I’m dealt, and shuffle them to keep myself happy. That took years of hard work. 12 to be exact. The reason is that I’ve been taught that there is no value to seeing the negative in everything, yet it’s easy to see the negative in everyone. Though sometimes there’s a reason for it.

If you’ve never been honest with yourself on a piece of paper, it’s therapeutic. I highly recommend it. ­čśë

New Year, New Me? Nope.

I don’t make promises I can’t keep, so instead, I set goals and achieve them. I also don’t like to change, I am eager to evolve.

For 2018, absolutely no bullshit, I will obtain the physical and mental joy these personal goals will bring to my soul. It’s time to adult and I’m ready to tackle the responsibilities all at once.

Drumroll, please…­čąü

I will lose 30lbs by the end of the year.

I will save every dime possible and plan a wedding with my fianc├ę, who has put up with my ass for what will be 13 years.

We will find a home.

Last but not least, I will establish myself as a writer in the food industry. Whether it be getting back into the swing of freelancing or finding the forever gig I’ve always dreamed of. I have too much passion to quit.

I think if you wish for what you want hard enough, either it will happen or you will discover something new and refreshing about yourself.

So, I will.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Happy Spring, all.

Seems like I only tune into my thoughts once a season, nowadays. I’d like to change that, but honesty is my policy and I won’t lie to you.

Tonight I was watching TV upstairs in my parents’ room, when that one thought entered my brain. You know the one, the one that changes your mood in an instant and can bring a tear to your eye in a split second.

Yea, that peach. It happened so fast. All I could say was thanks, asshole brain. 

Anywho, I physically, for one hair of a second, had the urge to go downstairs and hug my brother, Jason. And I was about to jump off the bed to do it. Then I remembered, as fast as that feeling came and went, that he wasn’t home.

Then I missed him. So much so, that it brought tears to my eyes. 

That moment finally came. The reality that I’ve been aimlessly living in for the past 7 months just cut my heart strings. In a millisecond.

Suddenly, I remembered how my weeks used to go. When I came home from work, Jason was waiting at the door for me like clockwork. Ready to give me a hug, without even knowing how my day went. I wouldn’t feel as guilty being out of the house because I knew they’d always be there.

Now, we bring them home every Sunday for dinner if we’re not already bringing them home for a long weekend. Now, whenever they are home, I feel guilty for being one second away from them and I do my best to make our time together worth it.

All I can do, is hope that Jason AND Sean enjoy their independence and that Jason doesn’t get mad at me for one second. (Because Sean is never mad at me).

All I know, is that it’s hard to bring them back on Sunday night, knowing that I can’t get my hug for another week.

July and February 

Dammit Nashville. You done gone got me all in my feelings tonight. It’s funny.  I realize that when I reach the point of the “ugly cry” that I’m more aware of the different emotions I’ll feel throughout each of my days. The popular ones lately are anxiousness, anger, irritation, and unconditional love, which mostly emerges on the weekends.

Nashville has that ability to stir up thoughts about meeting a character or a person for the very first time, watching how they live their lives with you in it and then BOOM! It shatters your heart into a million goddamn pieces by tossing grief into the mix. 

Grief. Hello darkness, my old friend. I think what astonishes me the most about this emotion is the capability it has to reach different levels. Hell, it’s deadly in itself. 

I have to say that my strongest relationship with grief comes from the bond that was broken between my Grandpa and I on February 28, 2013. That firecracker of a man was born on July 4th and I’m the female version of him, down to the abrasive words that come out of my mouth.

I have this liberating ability to not give one single damn about someone or anything. But if I love you, I have the powerful ability to do my best to protect you, respect you, and make you laugh while doing so.

I loved and respected that man on a level as high as my father. I took his words to heart and I’d be damned if I disappointed him. I would even brag as a child about wanting to marry him when I got older. Now I’m older, and I dwell on him not being around to watch me get married.

Ending on a spiritual note, I believe that there is an afterlife. I believe that he is in my car every time I get in it, with damn good reason.

I just wish that heaven was a phone call away, because he’d want to FaceTime and I’d give anything to see his face. 

The Year of Declutter

2016 brought many changes good and bad, but that’s all we’re going to say about it. 

In other news, 2017 is my year of decluttering and focus. I may be doing this ass backwards, but sometimes that’s just how I like to do things. Recently, I scheduled an appointment to look at a possible wedding venue next month. Then, a week after the fact, I’m attending a bridal expo. I know what you want to ask me. No, I don’t have a date set and no, I did not make a guest list. So don’t ask me if you are attending. 

For the record, because I’m sure I’ll end up sounding like a broken one if I don’t say this now…I’m not inviting the whole goddamn world and their mothers to my wedding. As I have said once before, not everyone deserves a seat at the table in your life and as of right now, mine is full. 

2017 is the year of declutter. The year of acceptance and the time to take a breath of much needed fresh air. (I started by dusting and decluttering my room today. Hooray adulting!) 

My body is so familiar to the feeling of stress that nearly every part of me shut itself down in some way for the past two months. I’m done trying to keep up with others when I just don’t have it in me. I’m doing this for my mental health as well as my physical. 

2017 is the time to focus on me…and the future hubs. Meanwhile, I got my bulletproof vest on for the bullshit that comes my way. 

Jesus Take the Wheel

Please take a seat at the table of my life and listen, because not everyone gets invited.

These past four months have been, well, a shit storm and I’m just reeeeally hoping that on Jan 1, 2017 at midnight I can take a breath of fresh air and mentally mellow the fuck out. 

As much as my body has proven to me lately that it is oh so certainly stressed, I haven’t been feeling it mentally, oddly enough. That is until these past two months. I’ve hit a point in my life where I need to step back out of my comfort zone and be that bad ass adult that I am destined to be, without any excuses. It’s time to dust off this ladder of life and climb that son of a bitch. I know which direction I’m headed in and I have to admit that it’s kind of scary, but I’m excited to soon have a place of my own, marry my best friend, and settle into a job that I can enjoy for years to come. I just need to be willing to sacrifice and embrace change. 

I have been in complete #nofucksgiven mode for the past month and I’ve hit my breaking point. If I don’t like something, I get stuck in the notion of disliking it until I can change the outcome. If I don’t like someone, well that can go any way depending on the individual, but you will definitely hear about it. When I feel like my creativity is being sucked bone dry, I am going to take the straw out of that sucker’s mouth and return it dipped in glitter and gold. 

2017 will be the year of change in finances, freedom and fitness. Meanwhile, 2016, you can exit stage left you dirty disappointment.

New Beginnings

I really didn’t want to write this, especially during my lunch break, but since it’s official and I’m still reeling, here it goes. 

Early last month, after being on a 15-year waiting list for Misericordia – a home for disabled adults and children – my brothers were called upon 5 years early to live there. This meant we were blindsided by overwhelming emotions and one hell of a tough decision. 

You can never prepare for a phone call like that. When my mother sent me a text message to tell me about it, all I could do was cry. We (mom, dad, my fianc├ę and I) knew what our decision had to be, but we aren’t the slightest bit ready to let them go. 

I always said I wanted to move out before they did, because I couldn’t and still can’t imagine coming home from work everyday and not seeing them where they belong. Now I think, what would be the difference? And I can’t really find an answer for that. 

I’ve always been the voice for my brothers and for once, I am speechless. Sean can adapt anywhere, but what I fear the most is that Jason won’t be happy. 

But all we can do is try. We can bring them home when we want and we can visit them as much as we want, the only difference is that nights in their own beds will be slim. 

I understand we have to look at it as if the boys are going off to college and living in dorms for the rest of their lives. But that doesn’t make it easier. I am grateful for Misericordia, because it will allow my brothers to thrive. They promise that once the boys feel comfortable, they’ll love it so much they won’t want to come home. Which is understandable, because they have concerts, pet therapy, swimming, and a bunch of other fun activities for them to participate in. 

Jason and Sean will be under the same roof, but not in the same room. They will be separated, so they can blossom as individuals and not be dubbed as the brothers in wheelchairs. 

There’s so much more I could say, but for now, this is all I can process. 

I just want to spend as much time with my brothers as possible. 

I’m Proud

So I recently watched a video of a little girl named Jessica exclaiming her daily affirmations to herself in her pajamas. 

I have a lot of things to love and be proud of lately, so lets begin.

I love my job.

I love my coworkers.

I love my family.

I love my fianc├ę.

I love my relationship status.

I love that my car is paid off.

I love that I’m finally taking my overall wellness seriously. 

I love my furry child, Baby.

I love a lot more and I will remind myself daily of these things. Oh, and I also love my damn self. 

­čĺü­čĆ╗ÔŁĄ´ŞĆ
What are you proud of? 

´╗┐Reflection

I have time to write now, and of course it’s about food. SURPRISE!

I’ve been seeing a nutritionist for 3 months now, very helpful, but this only helps to reach my point.

I’ve done some reflecting over the past week, (in Miami nonetheless) and while I consumed my weight (guiltlessly) in pizza pot pie, hearty breakfasts, and Cuban food, I had a breakthrough. 

My binge eating disorder stems from reflection. Reflecting on memories of spaghetti dinners at my Nana’s house, or that one time at the Taste of Chicago when Jason knocked a slice of Eli’s Cheesecake out of my hand. Birthday dinners with my grandpa, holidays with family. Food is comfort to me. Food is nostalgia.

For the next 6 weeks I will be cutting back on foods I enjoy most. Bread, cheese, pasta, beer…carbs. I will be working out 3 times a week, while weighing in weekly to track progress. On September 14th I vow to be stronger, I vow to be healthier, but most importantly…I vow to not be afraid to be fit.

In my past, being “fit” came  with heartache. Today, I am the happiest I have ever been. I challenge myself to change, to say no, and to learn that I can maintain a healthy lifestyle while being HAPPY. 

Let the games begin.