Tag Archives: bcap31

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Happy Spring, all.

Seems like I only tune into my thoughts once a season, nowadays. I’d like to change that, but honesty is my policy and I won’t lie to you.

Tonight I was watching TV upstairs in my parents’ room, when that one thought entered my brain. You know the one, the one that changes your mood in an instant and can bring a tear to your eye in a split second.

Yea, that peach. It happened so fast. All I could say was thanks, asshole brain. 

Anywho, I physically, for one hair of a second, had the urge to go downstairs and hug my brother, Jason. And I was about to jump off the bed to do it. Then I remembered, as fast as that feeling came and went, that he wasn’t home.

Then I missed him. So much so, that it brought tears to my eyes. 

That moment finally came. The reality that I’ve been aimlessly living in for the past 7 months just cut my heart strings. In a millisecond.

Suddenly, I remembered how my weeks used to go. When I came home from work, Jason was waiting at the door for me like clockwork. Ready to give me a hug, without even knowing how my day went. I wouldn’t feel as guilty being out of the house because I knew they’d always be there.

Now, we bring them home every Sunday for dinner if we’re not already bringing them home for a long weekend. Now, whenever they are home, I feel guilty for being one second away from them and I do my best to make our time together worth it.

All I can do, is hope that Jason AND Sean enjoy their independence and that Jason doesn’t get mad at me for one second. (Because Sean is never mad at me).

All I know, is that it’s hard to bring them back on Sunday night, knowing that I can’t get my hug for another week.

Advertisements

New Beginnings

I really didn’t want to write this, especially during my lunch break, but since it’s official and I’m still reeling, here it goes. 

Early last month, after being on a 15-year waiting list for Misericordia – a home for disabled adults and children – my brothers were called upon 5 years early to live there. This meant we were blindsided by overwhelming emotions and one hell of a tough decision. 

You can never prepare for a phone call like that. When my mother sent me a text message to tell me about it, all I could do was cry. We (mom, dad, my fiancé and I) knew what our decision had to be, but we aren’t the slightest bit ready to let them go. 

I always said I wanted to move out before they did, because I couldn’t and still can’t imagine coming home from work everyday and not seeing them where they belong. Now I think, what would be the difference? And I can’t really find an answer for that. 

I’ve always been the voice for my brothers and for once, I am speechless. Sean can adapt anywhere, but what I fear the most is that Jason won’t be happy. 

But all we can do is try. We can bring them home when we want and we can visit them as much as we want, the only difference is that nights in their own beds will be slim. 

I understand we have to look at it as if the boys are going off to college and living in dorms for the rest of their lives. But that doesn’t make it easier. I am grateful for Misericordia, because it will allow my brothers to thrive. They promise that once the boys feel comfortable, they’ll love it so much they won’t want to come home. Which is understandable, because they have concerts, pet therapy, swimming, and a bunch of other fun activities for them to participate in. 

Jason and Sean will be under the same roof, but not in the same room. They will be separated, so they can blossom as individuals and not be dubbed as the brothers in wheelchairs. 

There’s so much more I could say, but for now, this is all I can process. 

I just want to spend as much time with my brothers as possible. 

Terrified Sister Moment

Saturday my family and I went to a festival in a nearby neighborhood. While feeding Sean, my littlest brother who you all can read about in earlier posts, ended up in the hospital. 

He is physically and mentally challenged, and was recently diagnosed in December of 2013 (with his older brother Jason). He can’t feed himself, and while my mother was feeding him a hotdog, he choked and vomited it up. It all came out, but then he began to puke up phlegm. He did that for 30 minutes straight, which turned into an hour. His mouth then began to foam, followed by heaving and labored breathing. On that note, we immediately rushed him to the hospital where he was incubated and put on a ventilator.

After that I lost it. Looking at him sedated and struggling broke my heart. I spent all the time I could with him in the ER with my mom and couldn’t stand leaving him alone. I did go home the night it happened around 4am to sleep, as she stayed with him at the hospital. 

Jason had to be at a special needs summer camp out in Grayslake, where he stays for a week with friends, so I relieved my mom at 2pm so that she and my dad could take him. Jason missed his brother. He kept pointing and questioned what was happening.

My Aunt and Uncle kept me company for a few hours and my parents relieved me around 8:45 with McDonald’s coffee. 

As of right now, he is breathing on his own and doing well. He’s fussy and putting up a fight with the nurses when he’s awake, but when he’s asleep it’s because he’s comfortable.

He aspirated, so there will be a video swallow done today to determine when he comes home.

I know he will soon. It’s just hard trying to sleep knowing that this happy little boy is not in his own bed.