Tag Archives: family

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Happy Spring, all.

Seems like I only tune into my thoughts once a season, nowadays. I’d like to change that, but honesty is my policy and I won’t lie to you.

Tonight I was watching TV upstairs in my parents’ room, when that one thought entered my brain. You know the one, the one that changes your mood in an instant and can bring a tear to your eye in a split second.

Yea, that peach. It happened so fast. All I could say was thanks, asshole brain. 

Anywho, I physically, for one hair of a second, had the urge to go downstairs and hug my brother, Jason. And I was about to jump off the bed to do it. Then I remembered, as fast as that feeling came and went, that he wasn’t home.

Then I missed him. So much so, that it brought tears to my eyes. 

That moment finally came. The reality that I’ve been aimlessly living in for the past 7 months just cut my heart strings. In a millisecond.

Suddenly, I remembered how my weeks used to go. When I came home from work, Jason was waiting at the door for me like clockwork. Ready to give me a hug, without even knowing how my day went. I wouldn’t feel as guilty being out of the house because I knew they’d always be there.

Now, we bring them home every Sunday for dinner if we’re not already bringing them home for a long weekend. Now, whenever they are home, I feel guilty for being one second away from them and I do my best to make our time together worth it.

All I can do, is hope that Jason AND Sean enjoy their independence and that Jason doesn’t get mad at me for one second. (Because Sean is never mad at me).

All I know, is that it’s hard to bring them back on Sunday night, knowing that I can’t get my hug for another week.


July and February 

Dammit Nashville. You done gone got me all in my feelings tonight. It’s funny.  I realize that when I reach the point of the “ugly cry” that I’m more aware of the different emotions I’ll feel throughout each of my days. The popular ones lately are anxiousness, anger, irritation, and unconditional love, which mostly emerges on the weekends.

Nashville has that ability to stir up thoughts about meeting a character or a person for the very first time, watching how they live their lives with you in it and then BOOM! It shatters your heart into a million goddamn pieces by tossing grief into the mix. 

Grief. Hello darkness, my old friend. I think what astonishes me the most about this emotion is the capability it has to reach different levels. Hell, it’s deadly in itself. 

I have to say that my strongest relationship with grief comes from the bond that was broken between my Grandpa and I on February 28, 2013. That firecracker of a man was born on July 4th and I’m the female version of him, down to the abrasive words that come out of my mouth.

I have this liberating ability to not give one single damn about someone or anything. But if I love you, I have the powerful ability to do my best to protect you, respect you, and make you laugh while doing so.

I loved and respected that man on a level as high as my father. I took his words to heart and I’d be damned if I disappointed him. I would even brag as a child about wanting to marry him when I got older. Now I’m older, and I dwell on him not being around to watch me get married.

Ending on a spiritual note, I believe that there is an afterlife. I believe that he is in my car every time I get in it, with damn good reason.

I just wish that heaven was a phone call away, because he’d want to FaceTime and I’d give anything to see his face. 

Tick Tock

Ever wake up and think, “Where the f*ck has the time gone? Yea, me too.

I’ve been 26 for one week now and lately I’ve just been thinking about time. How much of it has been wasted, how much we spend doing daily tasks. 

Time is a bittersweet bitch. I could go on and on about all of the negative things I’ve spent my time on over the years, but where will that get me? 

All I know is that right now I’m thankful for spending my time with those whom I’ve lost and those who I currently cherish every minute with. 


He Liked It So He Put a Ring on It!

This week has been a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions. It all started when my boyfriend whom I have been dating for 10 years (high school sweethearts) proposed to me in Door County, WI. I was very surprised, excited and I couldn’t be happier. My ring has a story behind it, but I’ll save it for next time. The whole thing still doesn’t feel real. However…I’m experiencing the death of my grandparents all over again in full force because I’m upset that they won’t be around to see how my future unfolds. 

I’ll skip ahead, away from the idea of them being there in spirit, but it’s just unfair and not the same. I’m angry and bitter about it and it’s starting to show. 

Today I visited the cemetery because I needed reassurance that they WILL be with me during this process and I strongly had a need to tell them while looking at their name. Even though I know the answer.
The best news to end my trip to emotional hell is that Julio and I get to celebrate our engagement with the family during my Father’s Oktoberfest party. Yay! 


Terrified Sister Moment

Saturday my family and I went to a festival in a nearby neighborhood. While feeding Sean, my littlest brother who you all can read about in earlier posts, ended up in the hospital. 

He is physically and mentally challenged, and was recently diagnosed in December of 2013 (with his older brother Jason). He can’t feed himself, and while my mother was feeding him a hotdog, he choked and vomited it up. It all came out, but then he began to puke up phlegm. He did that for 30 minutes straight, which turned into an hour. His mouth then began to foam, followed by heaving and labored breathing. On that note, we immediately rushed him to the hospital where he was incubated and put on a ventilator.

After that I lost it. Looking at him sedated and struggling broke my heart. I spent all the time I could with him in the ER with my mom and couldn’t stand leaving him alone. I did go home the night it happened around 4am to sleep, as she stayed with him at the hospital. 

Jason had to be at a special needs summer camp out in Grayslake, where he stays for a week with friends, so I relieved my mom at 2pm so that she and my dad could take him. Jason missed his brother. He kept pointing and questioned what was happening.

My Aunt and Uncle kept me company for a few hours and my parents relieved me around 8:45 with McDonald’s coffee. 

As of right now, he is breathing on his own and doing well. He’s fussy and putting up a fight with the nurses when he’s awake, but when he’s asleep it’s because he’s comfortable.

He aspirated, so there will be a video swallow done today to determine when he comes home.

I know he will soon. It’s just hard trying to sleep knowing that this happy little boy is not in his own bed.  



It took two (bleeping) years of applying for anything and everything in my field of Journalism. I even got so desperate that I started applying for jobs at hotels, casinos and marketing agencies, but I did it. I landed my first full-time, Monday-Friday, SALARY PAYING, COPYWRITER JOB!

That’s right, COPYWRITER!

I can’t thank my friends, family, former teachers and even customers of mine for all of their support. I had a feeling that 2015 would be the year and I was right. I’m so happy I can’t even express it in words.

I got a big girl job, on my own.



I’m Getting Senile…

I have done something every single day this week and I JUST WANT TO BE A BUM.

Last Sunday my FitBit told me that I had 3,500 steps by the end of the day, which meant that my lazy Sunday had been a success. Monday (my OFF day) I picked up a shift at a different branch because they are desperate for help and I am desperate for extra hours. Tuesday I had my in-person interview for ANOTHER possible job opportunity however this one is in my field as a copywriter and I do not want to jinx anything by all means, so I’m shutting up now.

It was over by 11:00am and the Shedd Aquarium was hosting a free day for Illinois residents, so my boyfriend and I took a trip downtown. He hates the city, but when he suggests a date in downtown I’m the first to shout, “I’ll drive!” While standing in line, I received the best phone call ever from a recruiter (for the company) that I’ve been working with and she told me that I made a great impression on the folks I spoke with and they want to move forward. Insert enthusiastic woo-hoo here!

There are only so many fish you can look at, so after spending 90 minutes at the Shedd we headed over to Eataly aka my Heaven. That place deserves its own blog. I was exhausted by the end of the night and Wednesday I had to work early in the morning. With no nap, I pushed through the day, just to be up early again the next morning and work Friday and Saturday as well.

Today I had no freaking patience and after telling people ALL week that I’ve been looking forward to being a complete sack of sh!t tomorrow I forgot that we have a family reunion to attend. I swear I forgot about this three times this week…

I love keeping busy, but I’m busy so often that I’ve learned to appreciate my days of nothingness. I mean I’m only human and even God rested on Sundays. On the bright side I can sleep till at least noon tomorrow, that is until I have to wake up and make myself look presentable to the planet.

Oh, and I want to give a heads up to the folks (like me) who get sucked into those cutesy blemish free photos that they take of you and your entourage before entering a museum, Niagara Falls, aquarium, etc…save that little photo card so you can go online on your phone and look at the photo…then screenshot it so you don’t have to pay for it.

You’re welcome.


Before the Lake Freezes Over


I wanted to share this picture that I took at the very end of Navy Pier on Tuesday, August 26, 2014. The weather wasn’t more than 85 degrees. Hot, but the wind from the water kept my family and I nice and cool.

Before we Chicagoans know it, that sun will be setting over a frozen lake…so I embraced every moment of this day. Hopefully when I’m wearing two different kinds of socks, a hat, scarf and gloves, a winter jacket and long underwear, my nostalgia will warm me up.




This is Sean. Sean is 18 but with that toothy grin of his he can pass as 14. Sean is three years younger than Jason and six years younger than me.

Jason and Sean have two totally different personalities.

Sean’s day consists of being carried out of bed by my mother or father and once he gets downstairs he’ll roll on the floor for a few minutes playing with balloons before he is picked up once again and placed in his chair for breakfast.

Once he’s done eating, he gets bathed and changed into his outfit of the day or his (ootd) for internet sake. Then he goes into his dungeon aka our basement. Now before anyone thinks that we put this kid in a basement so we don’t have to deal with him for the day let me just tell you that his dungeon is also a disco.

Sean can’t learn like Jason can. He can’t read and can’t be taught anything logical. Sean’s nickname might as well be Sensory Seany, because his favorite toy is a flashlight. His man cave consists of Christmas lights, strobe lights, lasers and anything else you would find in the rave light section at Spencer’s.

To continue with the alliteration theme, we can also called him Sweet Tooth Seany, because there is no pastry this child won’t eat. I fed him half a pan of brownies once at a family party and he still wanted more. I had to cut the kid off before he went into a sugar coma.

One night my boyfriend was eating chocolate chip cookies at the kitchen table and my dad was standing by the chair lift waiting for Sean to crawl there so he can whisk him up to bed. Instead, Sean crawled over to my boyfriend and started tugging on his arm trying to eat the cookie right out of his hand.

Sean is laid-back where as Jason is apprehensive. Sean always has a smile on his face except for when I’m smothering him with kisses. Then he rolls his eyes.

He is also very mischievous. One day my parents got a phone call from school saying that Sean pulled the fire-alarm. He was wheeling down the hallway, pulled it, and the whole parade came while the school was evacuated. My father,  being a 911 dispatcher for the Chicago Fire Department, got wind of this and when asked by his co-workers if he was upset that Sean did this, my father laughed his head off and said, “Hell no! I’m proud of him!” It was hilarious. I am also proud.

Sean got a PSP (Playstation Portable) because whenever Jason caught him playing his, he would yell at Sean and take it away. Sean is a lover not a fighter, so he would just give Jason a look like he was rude and crawl off to watch TV.

Sean doesn’t communicate as much as Jason but the improvement he’s show over the years has been phenomenal. He picked his nose once, (something he’s never done) and we all started applauding him. He’ll crawl to the fridge when he’s hungry or start tugging on your arm if you’re eating in front of him.  It’s the little things that make Sean who he is.

In December of 2013 both of my brothers were diagnosed after 21 years of being undiagnosed. 100,000 doctors later we discovered that they are the only ones in the United States that are missing the Genetic Mutation BCAP 31. Six Pairs of that gene are missing. There are six boys in France that have this, the oldest being 22 (Jason is 21) and Jason seems to not be as involved as him. It happens to be in the arm of a protein and carbohydrate gene. There is no treatment yet because it’s just been discovered but we’ve done the best we can for the both of them.

People ask me, “What’s it like having two disabled brothers?” I always respond, “What’s it like having two normal siblings?” It’s my life. I am who I am because of these two and I hate to see the kind of person I would be without them. If you stare at them I will stare right back at you. If you make fun of them, I will invade your personal space. I live to keep them happy and make them proud of me.