Tag Archives: life

A Grilled Cheese Sandwich for the Soul

It’s not chicken soup, but you catch my drift.

I’ve been experiencing some life changes lately and I thought I’d do some reflecting. Nothing drastic, just pondering old relationships and fresh ones while trying to grab a brand new nutritional lifestyle change by the horns. 

Yea, that’s right. I’m buying zoodles, (zucchini noodles), dairy-free milk, and reducing my flour intake…god help me. 

I’ll just cut the shit and admit to you all, that for years, I’ve been lying to myself about having not just a passion for food, but an addiction toward it. This addiction also involves (only) binge eating. 

I will tell you that I am a foodie. This is because I am fascinated by what other cultures eat and the ingredients that fuse so well together when paired. But behind my passion for discovering new dining spots, I struggle with a balance. I don’t have a healthy relationship with food. 

I don’t need to dig down the rabbit hole and bore you with details, but I will say that it is so hard to break bad habits. It is so hard to let go of something that has comforted you for all of your life. It is hard to say goodbye to the routine.

Just writing this makes me realize why I binge. Because it’s so easy to reach for the one thing that has always made you happy and you are certain it will never let you down. (Except when the jeans don’t fit).

Since February of 2013, I have gained 35 lbs over the course of three years. Why? Because I suffered a loss from 3 of my closest grandparents and great grandmother that I seeked comfort for. But I need to realize that I am ok.

I am ok to lead a life without them, knowing that they will stay with me wherever I go. I am ok to thrive, in my career and in my personal life.

I am ok to say no, if it means taking time for myself. I am ok to live a healthier lifestyle that I deserve. 

And I am ok to let go of all of this weight.

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Hello, It’s Me.

I was wondering if after all these years…just kidding, I wasn’t. 

So what’s my excuse this time around for not writing a post in damn near forever? It’s simple. I write every day. 40hrs a week I write for a web design company. Our clients are podiatrists, chiropractors, optometrists, and dentists. I’m not complaining, but dear lord am I learning a little too much about health conditions and the human body. It kinda puts a damper on my passion for creative writing. Especially when the weekends roll around. 

On the other hand, I feel blessed every morning while driving to work. My coworkers make the 8 hours tolerable and because of them it’s much easier to wake up in the morning. I actually look forward to sitting in my cube some days. 

When I’m not working, I’m trying to live in the moment. I’ve lost a few dear family members/friends lately and find myself thinking that when I look up from my phone one day the people around me won’t be here anymore. It’s a sad thought, so I try to cherish every good and bad moment that I experience. 

Things are pretty steady at the moment and I’m thankful for that. 

He Liked It So He Put a Ring on It!

This week has been a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions. It all started when my boyfriend whom I have been dating for 10 years (high school sweethearts) proposed to me in Door County, WI. I was very surprised, excited and I couldn’t be happier. My ring has a story behind it, but I’ll save it for next time. The whole thing still doesn’t feel real. However…I’m experiencing the death of my grandparents all over again in full force because I’m upset that they won’t be around to see how my future unfolds. 

I’ll skip ahead, away from the idea of them being there in spirit, but it’s just unfair and not the same. I’m angry and bitter about it and it’s starting to show. 

Today I visited the cemetery because I needed reassurance that they WILL be with me during this process and I strongly had a need to tell them while looking at their name. Even though I know the answer.
The best news to end my trip to emotional hell is that Julio and I get to celebrate our engagement with the family during my Father’s Oktoberfest party. Yay! 

  
 

A Speed Bump.

I hate when unhappy feelings come to surface. I’ve been holding them in for too damn long now. So here’s chapter number one.

I’ve always been a ball of emotions, I’m a Scorpio for God-sake and certain things that have happened in my past have taught me to shove them down my throat into a deep crevice to a place I’m unaware of. However, every now and then they want to arise…usually when I’m in bed early and have to be up at 7 A.M.

In March of 2012, I learned that my grandpa’s cancer came back for the seventh time. In December of 2012, he would end up in the hospital…for the very last time.

He was a second father to me. Saying he was always there would be an understatement. My mom would be on the phone with him in the kitchen telling him I was sick, I’d be in the next room and after they hung up my cellphone would ring and it would be him saying, “What’s the matter with you?” He was always concerned. Always trying to help and make things better for me. I lost him on February 28, 2013, giving myself no time to mourn, because I had to graduate in 3 months. I did, and my meltdown took place the day after I walked across that stage. One day I’m in the hospital telling him that he needs to be there to see me walk…then that day comes and he’s gone, his house is gone, and his car is gone, as if he vanished into thin air. I spent his last evening on Earth holding his hand…with no idea that it would be his last. There is forever a hole in my heart. I try not to think about him sometimes, because when I do, I sob so hard, I can’t breathe.

The same month I learned of his cancer coming back, my grandmother was told she had pancreatic cancer. She wanted to refrain from telling me because she didn’t want it affecting my work. Once she told me the news, I hugged her and cried and said, “I’m sick of hearing the word cancer.” She was optimistic from the beginning, when she told me that everything would be alright, until the end, when I cried that she wouldn’t see me get married and she assured me that she would.

For the next two years I would watch this headstrong, compassionate, wonderful woman who gave me my mother, suffer and wither away to skin and bones. A woman who once baked 5 different kinds of Christmas cookies have no appetite and needed painkillers to get through the day. A woman who took me shopping for my birthday and Christmas every year until I turned 21 turned into a shell of the physically strong woman she once was. The week of March 1, 2014, my family literally waited for her to die. In a hospice center where people were being carried out to a hearse one after another. On March 7, 2014, I lost another piece of my heart. Exactly one year, one week, and one day since I buried the last piece. I’ve been lost ever since.

I know this is a little off key, but I have a point. Robin Williams recently committed suicide. The actor/comedian who each fan saw as The upbeat Genie in Aladdin or the witty Mrs. Doubtfire, one of the biggest adult kids around, hung himself because he was so depressed. I can’t even begin to explain how sad I am for the loss of him. Here’s why.

My childhood was The Genie in Aladdin and it was Mrs. Doubtfire. I remember being a kid and quoting both movies with the same enthusiasm as Robin Williams did. I remember going to Blockbuster (when it existed) and renting “Jack,” a movie he made about a boy who had a disease that made him look like an adult when he was a child. I was a child myself, but that movie made me cry, because it reminded me how special people can be.

Lately I just feel like my childhood has died, and no one should ever feel that way. I know it’s silly to mourn a person you’ve never met. But you don’t realize how a person had so much impact on a part of your life until they pass away. Until some of the joyous parts of your childhood pass away.

I have struggled with more issues than growing up with two disabled brothers. Things I don’t care to speak of. But I want people to know that I sympathize with Robin Williams because I have been in a hole that deep. I just someone managed to crawl and burn my way out of it. How, sometimes I still have no idea, and I hate that his death has made me rehash on that time in my life.

I am thankful to still be here, I am thankful for everything I have and everything I don’t, but when it comes to dwelling on the people I’ve lost…it scares the living shit out of me for my future.

I just don’t want to lose another piece of my childhood. I don’t want to be a shell of a happy character I once was.

And the scariest part about life is that no one gets out alive.

The Rug was Pulled Out from Under My Feet

raincld

I’ve recently succumbed to the feelings of the phrase, “when it rains it pours,” as well as the meaning of the Beatles lyrics, “I’ve been working like a dog.”

The Journalism job I was rooting for was over before it even started. I applied for a position where I was one step away from it being final, but once the head cheeses had a meeting they decided to eliminate the position.

Optimistic thought #1: I got further in this interview process than I have in the 40+ jobs that I’ve applied for.

Optimistic thought #2 is the typical, “The one that is meant to be will come along when the time is right.”

I’ve also decided that I’m not settling for just anything because it pays. I don’t want a writing job that’s going to pay me $1 per 100 words because it’s not worth my time. These words that I’m typing right here are for free, but I’m writing them because I feel good expressing my own feelings on my own time.

And I thank you all for listening to my rants and stories. I’m keeping this one short, yet sweet…before I apply for 3 more jobs.